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| "The Kiss" Norman Lindsay 1932 |
How to navigate through Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (“PTSD”) caused by a health crisis
Thirty years ago, I worked briefly with a medical scientist who made said to me: “You can keep a patient alive sometimes with procedures that will deprive them permanently of one of the three basic human appetites -- sleep, food and sex. If you do, the patient will almost always self-destruct – suicide. These are basic hungers that must be satisfied”
Your
physical journey from health through the misery of chronic ill health and back to health again
will leave you changed forever. Emotionally and mentally. I have relied on some
really bright men and women of different ages, from health professionals to lay
persons, from the healthy to those in constant pain and distress, to offer
constructive criticism in the preparation of this post. I do claim to know a
lot about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and more than a little about
navigation, mentally, emotionally and actual.
My generalized observations is these:
·
Parents,
siblings and once-close friends distance themselves,
·
female
care-givers tend to stand by their ill men-folk for the duration of the illness,
·
male
care-givers have a much shorter time-line.
All
too often chronic illness shatters relationships.
YOU
WILL GET BETTER BUT YOU WILL NOT BE THE PERSON YOU USED TO BE.
Having raised a family and having worked with chronically ill
and challenged children for over twenty years, some “human economic” subjects
are a bit heavy for young people under eighteen years of age. This is most
likely one of those subjects.
It is 2012 – a “new age. ” Navigating our emotional environment when
chronically ill, we must add science to intuition and observation.
“You
must remember this, a kiss is just a kiss” from the 1942 movie
“Casablanca.” An old song, written by Herman Hupfield in 1931, leaving an
indelible mark. As you read this, no matter what your age, you mind has already
got the melody in your brain and the next line of words . . .
A
classic example is the emotional ups and downs of “finding” love, Usually we
blunder along on intuition until we find the one we think is right for us.
However, we could add some science to
our intuition. Here is an illustration of intuitive observation: About fifteen
years ago I had a Clinic patient earned
his living as a pimp. One day, he blurted out “I forbid any of my girls to
kiss clients. ” I asked why? “They fall in love with them. When they
give passionate kisses, that is the end of their working life – they fall in
love and they’re gone . . . ” An intuitive observation from a 1990’s
version of navigator Álvaro de Mendaña (more about this unfortunate navigator
shortly).
Fifty
years later, Mary Chapin Carpenter wrote an intuitively lovely song “Passionate
Kisses”
“Shouldn’t I have this? Passionate
kisses from you. ”
Am I going overboard to want that
touch
I shout it out to the night
"Give me what I deserve, 'cause it's my right"
I shout it out to the night
"Give me what I deserve, 'cause it's my right"
“Give me what I deserve, passionate
kisses . . . from you.” [i]
Hit the link
right now and listen . . . and watch the lovely images. Just three
minutes of you time.
Let us stay on the subject of actual
navigation and sailing uncharted waters.
1500s – a “The Age of Exploration” Observation and Intuition to navigate a “New World”.
In
1566 the Spanish navigator Álvaro de
Mendaña was searching for the fabled Terra
Australis, sailing across thousands of miles of trackless Pacific Ocean
from Peru. His two-year voyage was grueling and perilous. By chance, in 1568, he
became the first European to land on the Solomon Islands, a bedraggled cluster -- Guadalcanal and others. Hoping to lessen
the King of Spain’s anger at the cost of the expedition without financial gain,
he named them Islas Salomón.
Finally
before his King, Mendaña claimed to
have found the legendary King Solomon’s Mines. “Go back” instructed the
King . . . unfortunate Mendaña. He tried
but could not find the Islands again despite a larger two-year expedition that
lost three ships and over one hundred of his crew. Mendaña was actually sailing on his own “sea
of heartbreak and finally lost his own life.
Sounds a little like the
search for true love.
1700s – a “Newer Age of Exploration.
” Adding Science to Intuition, to navigating the World.
Captain
James Cook rediscovered the Solomon Islands about two hundred years later. Mendaña
relied on his intuitive observations” whereas Cook used his uncanny abilities
of observation as well intuition. . . then added the latest science of his day.
Cook had the newest navigation equipment, -- a chronometer (invented by
Harrison in 1761) a sextant (1767) a nautical almanac (first edition – 1767). Adding
scientific equipment of that time to a
keen eye enabled future navigators to arrive on the Islands from that day
forward.
Today the World has satellite
navigation – Global Positioning Satellites or “GPS”
2012 – Chronic Illness dumps
you into uncharted waters, a “New
Emotional Environment.” Brain scans can
be the GPS of emotional navigation.
When
a newborn arrives, it is a tiny lump of protoplasm and its little head is
filled with neurons. Trouble is none of them – well very few of them – are
wired together. Humans have a DNA structure that is extremely sparse when
compared with the fruit fly or a wild duck. You can hold the baby upside down
and the little bubs does not know it. All it can feel in those first hours are
its lips, instantly ready for suckling.
Humans enrich themselves with life’s experience, both good and bad.
When
navigating the brain we have known from long time that we have two very precise
connections crossing both hemispheres. Picture a plastic half-headband, the sort that women
keep their hair back with – stretching from temple to temple. Right on the
surface of the brain that first one is known as the sensory cortex and the one just behind is the motor cortex. Of interest is that in both, over 45% of sensory and motor input and output is devoted to our lips. This never changes in
our entire lifetime.
Scientists
from Rutgers University, New Jersey, used scans to monitor women’s brains
during orgasm and found that different brain parts are activated when various
parts of her body are aroused. “Lips are
packed with nerve endings — 100 times more than the fingertips. As a result,
kissing kick-starts multiple mechanisms in the brain, releasing chemicals that
lower stress and boost mood”, says Chief researcher, Dr Ghosh.
Mary
Chapin Carpenter knew something. Male or female, feeling stressed? Go look
for some passionate kisses – and your stress will melt. Not the Hollywood peck-on-the-cheek,
with the empty “remember, I love you”
tag. Not the usual screen-kiss where the two actors
finally kiss, both missing each other’s
lips, either the top or the bottom. I am talking about a really passionate
kiss, smack on the lips.
Whoa, there! We all remember
high school and at seventeen, the sweetness . . . and where a passionate kiss
might lead.
The
Rutger’s research indicates that leading up to orgasm women receive a huge
surge of a hormone called oxytocin.
Orgasm and childbirth. This neuromodulator, oxytocin, causes women to be
more trusting, more relaxed and it creates a bond. Produced by so much pleasure,Oxytocin is known as the cuddle
or bonding hormone.
According
to Professor Deb Laino, of Philadelphia University and Willmington University
who has meticulously analyzed positron emission tomography (PET) scans:
“In females something even
more interesting has been found. Female brains go what might be called silent
during orgasm. Specifically, the left lateral orbitofrontal cortex and the
dorsomedial prefrontal cortex, areas seem to deactivate. Surprisingly these
areas are involved in things like self-control and social judgment. ”
Yes, men get some of this too during smooching and eventual horizontal pleasure. However the male brain gets a much larger dose – in fact huge release of dopamine -- and this is not a bonding hormone but a simple “pleasure” hormone. Thus the female is more vulnerable and more devastated when even a short-term intimate relationship ends (resulting in PTSD?), whereas the male just goes off looking for the next Carnival Ride with the nearest susceptible female.
Unfair? You bet!
 |
| "Desire" 1919 Norman Lindsay |
Emotional Navigation . . .
Knowing your new emotional location is vital!
Dr.
Anne Moire, the founder of “Brain-Sex Matters” made a perceptive comment after
her seminal 1992 book and television show “Brain Sex.” She clearly identified that men’s brains are
not the same as women’s. Intuitively she hit the target. However, despite the
differences, like the pieces of a jig-saw puzzle, men and women can fit snugly together. The “human givens”
that she mentions can be distilled down to the basic appetites of food, sex and
sleep.
“The starting point to understanding these ramifications is a profound
truth: that every living thing has to take nutriment from the environment to
develop and sustain itself - something inanimate matter doesn't do. We can
easily identify each nutriment because Nature makes us feel a need for it - we
are all born with essential physical and emotional needs. These needs have
evolved over millions of years and, to help us fulfill them, Nature has also
given us innate resources, or guidance systems.
These needs and resources are our common
biological inheritance, whatever our race or cultural background. Thus, they
are called 'human givens' - they are the givens of human nature and common to
every human being. Whenever our emotional needs are not met, or when our
resources are being used incorrectly, we suffer considerable distress. And so
do those around us.”
At this point, do not go
rushing off to the nearest medical laboratory for a brain scan . . . do some research.
Global
Positioning Satellites that help us find our way from one side of town to
another were put into the sky at unimaginable expense. Primarily, GPS systems
were put there for military use. Imagine you are the Commander of a nuclear
submarine and your orders were to lob a missile at a hardened target – say, 2,000
miles away. Your accuracy must be within three feet to be effective or you might
hit a school or a hospital. Thinking that you have your own location
spot-on is not good enough. You must know exactly. If your launch site
happens to be half a mile from where you think you are, your missile will land
half a mile wide of the target.
With
the latest understanding of how our brains work and the need to have our
emotional needs satisfied, some self examination is needed. Time to put aside
the “I am a bird with a broken wing” syndrome. Examine the way you brain
works, decide where you are and what you need emotionally. Then fire that
rocket and hit your target.
Ladies, it is your turn!
Before
we get to launching rockets in any direction, a little bit of honesty is
required. And to prove this up, we will fix our bearings on the pornography
industry and its effects on both men and women. In the year 2006 statistics
showed that a new pornographic video was produced in the United States every 39
minutes. No, not just in the U. S., pornography is all over the world. Hold on
to your hats.
In 1996, the pornography industry was larger than
the revenues of the top technology companies combined: Microsoft, Google,
Amazon, eBay, Yahoo!, Apple, Netflix and EarthLink:
·
South Koreans were the
big spenders at $526. 00 per capita annually,
·
Australians (blush –
the author was born in Australia) come next with $156. 00 each person each
year,
·
Americans are way down
the list with $44.00 spent each year per person with what amounts to
one-dimensional pleasure,
·
The Dutch, are the
lowest on the scale with $12.00 each per year (the liberated and famously
uninhibited - horny Dutch men and women appear to prefer 3-dimensional sex . .
. the real thing.)
Now,
let allow the careful statistics as
compiled by Family Safe Media, a U. S. based research organization to knock
your sox off:
WOMEN
WATCH THE SAME AMOUNT OF PORN’ AS MEN!
Feeling
guilty if you do? No need at all. Pornography thrives because of what Dr. Anne
More observed were the unmet emotional needs of people. Is it harmful? Probably
not. Lonely? Certainly.
However,
Porn’ creates some level of timidity with both men and women, once the screen
is turned off. The women performers had flawless skin, no cellulite, tight
buns. Is this what men expect of me?
The males were all
“flatbellies” with pumped muscles and six-pack stomachs. Will women find me
acceptable?
Play Mary Chapin Carpenter’s
song about passionate kisses again and remember the fire it lit when you were
an awkward, self-conscious teenager. Nothing has changed since those days for
you.
The
best advice the author can give is to find out where you are in the so-called
emotional geography of your life, and then target where you really wish to be.
Otherwise, you will wander the emotional oceans of life, and perish,
unfulfilled, as did the Spanish navigator of the 16th century.
Women, Men, PTSD and .
. . The Tyranny of Geography, Distance, and Chronic Ill-Health
Another
of my patients - a vibrant young woman in her early thirties, a diminutive bubbly Sprite
with the figure of a Cirque du Soleil acrobat – recently asked me “Sandsie,
tell me about men. Why is it that my man cannot accept that all of my sexual
experiences prior to meeting him – the man of my dreams – made me the person
that he fell in love with?” The result of course is a little bit of fPTSD
and mPTSD – both sides were hurting.
My
response was “well, if this fellow does not value what he has in you, then
you are teamed up with the wrong man in your life. Go find another with some
degree of maturity. ”
Easier
said than done? Not really. You have to know where you are emotionally and if
your “village” is not an actual location – say a church-group, family clan, or
an unhappy relationship . . . you can always shift, either physically or
mentally. Pioneering women advocate this. Helen Gurley Brown is one of them.
Born in 1922 and growing up in a prudish time, she eventually took control of
the Magazine “Cosmopolitan.”
Commenting
on her magazine, Ms Brown said
“the message was: So you’re
single. You can still have sex. You can still have a great life. And if you marry,
don’t just sponge off a man or be the gold-medal-winning mother. Don’t use men
to get what you want in life - - get if for yourself. ”
 |
| "The Kiss" Auguste Rodin, 1886 -- Tate Gallery |
Brown's famous quotes fill volumes of feminine minds and enraged American men . . . (or
so they claimed): “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.”
No,
God, (“The Universe” or “Great-Spirit-in-the-Sky”) did not turn Helen into a
pillar of salt. The elfin-like woman turned 90, in 2012. Just before her
birthday Ms. Helen G. Brown and her beloved husband donated thirty million
dollars to the Columbia and Standford Schools of Journalism . Why? To assist
women to be equal to men.
In
an interview with the British Guardian newspaper (February 19, 2012) the
current editor of Cosmo’. Ms. Louise Court fixed her piercing blue eyes at
reporter Emine Saner, and reflected on 40 years of trying to establish feminine
self-confidence there is still much that hasn’t changed . . . “ There are
still sexual inequalities. There are still pockets of society that judge
women’s love lives in a way they would dream never of judging a man’s”
Easier said than done when
chronic illness chains you . . . How to change you physical or mental location.
Things
are changing in this world – The authors mentioned in this blog positing are all splendid reading.
Western attitudes are slowly changing to be more akin to other cultures where
the concept of Yin and Yang never judges you. If you live on
the East Coast of the United States, move to California or go in the other
direction if you can and avoid those that are constantly judging you.
However,
most chronically ill folks have exhausted their funds and even their ability to
borrow from institutions, relatives and friends. So giving advice about packing
up and leaving a location is not all that helpful. “Sympathy without relief is like mustard without beef,” so observed
the Scottish poet, Robbie Burns.
If
you cannot change your actual geographic location, you can at least change
yourself or Heal Yourself as Louise Hay pointed out in 1976 in her
pamphlet which later became the 1984 blockbuster “You Can Heal Your Life”.
Her work was originally ridiculed by religion and Western medicine -- who would
take notice of a tall, elegant and beautiful blonde woman that had been a Bill
Blass model? While the pundits rejected the concepts she espoused, her work
resonated with women all over the world. Over 40 million copies were sold.
The
essence, of Hay’s philosophy was “go join a different tribe -- even if it is
inside your head. ”
Louise
is a friend of mine. Highly intuitive, she reminds me of the Polynesian
navigators of the 16th Century. While Álvaro
de Mendaña was blundering around the vast Pacific Ocean, those Islanders,
using observation and intuition alone, could repeatedly sail two thousand miles
and arrive on the same island time and again. A decade ago I asked LuLu the
secret of her health and success. She responded “Sandsie, it is all in your
mind and the people you choose to be your friends. I chose wise partners in
both business and personal relationships.” Today’s science proves up LuLu’s
observations.
Doctor
Mark Hyman, M.D. recently commented on a study published in the Journal of the
American Medical Association in a piece he wrote for Huffington Post (February
19, 2012) -- if you hang about with fat friends, you are likely to also be a
fatty. However, when you join a “community” that promotes a healthy lifestyle,
with group support you too will shed those excess pounds. He goes on to link
health and longevity to shedding relationships and quotes his colleague Dr.
Christine Northrop in the newly revised edition of her book The Wisdom of
Menopause:
“What
is rarely acknowledged or understood is that as these hormone-driven changes
affect the brain, they give a woman a sharper eye for inequity and injustice,
and a voice that insists on speaking up about them. In other words, they
uncover hidden wisdom -- and the courage to voice it. As the vision-obscuring
veil created by the hormones of reproduction begins to lift, a woman's youthful
fire and spirit are often rekindled, together with long-sublimated desires and
creative drives -- if it does not find an outlet -- if the woman remains silent
for the sake of keeping the peace at home or work, or if she holds herself back
from pursuing her creative urges and desires -- the result is equivalent to
plugging the vent on a pressure cooker: Something has to give.”
“Very
often what gives is the woman's health, and the result will be one or more of
the "big three" diseases of postmenopausal women: heart disease,
depression, and breast cancer. On the other hand, for those of us who choose to
honor the body's wisdom and to express what lies within us, it's a good idea to
get ready for some boat rocking, which may put long-established relationships
in upheaval. Marriage is not immune to this effect. "
Dr.
Hyman commented on his friend’s science . . . . “And neither are your
relationships with other family members. Relationships change as we evolve.
Sometimes changes you are trying to make cause the people around you to feel
uncomfortable. This is especially true when you are working on profound dietary
and lifestyle changes -- changes that are often needed to heal your mind, body,
and spirit. Your friends and family may wonder how your newly adopted lifestyle
will affect them. They may ask: ‘Are her dietary choices a subtle judgment on
me? What if I don't want to eat the same foods she does? (This one especially
comes up in families.) What will we do together now that she has chosen to
spend her time doing new activities?’ Sometimes even changing your hairstyle is
enough to stir the pot!”
With all of this 2012 New-Age
Science . . . Ready to sail uncharted waters and heal your PTSD?
Is
all that oxytocin generated by your last love like a tattoo . . . a permanent
reminder of a temporary sensation? The answer to that is a resounding NO.
However, science indicates that the fastest way to get over man (or woman) is
under the next one that we take a fancy to, since oxytocin is equally an
enabler to uncouple the bonding process in our mind. It is important to
remember that life is just a carnival ride and that all appetites can be
indulged in, sensibly, without shame or guilt. In truth, they must be sated.
I
am not advocating a promiscuous lifestyle, philandering or cheating. It is all
about science and science also teaches us that chronic illness or age can reduce
or evaporate our libido. That is OK too. You just might need a hand to hold for
the moment
A
rear-view mirror on the negatives of our lives – particularly during the
terrible years of chronic ill-health -- really stops us from adding quality of
life for ourselves in the future.
However,
a sure sign that a female patient recovering from a lingering chronic illness
is seeing her wear her jewelry, or her “main squeeze” walking around in the
Clinic with a bemused happy smile, or having the patient comment “I slept like I was shot last night.” The
health scientist that I met thirty years ago was correct.
Mind
you, something must be said about romance, flowers that arrive when you least
expect them (yes even men appreciate a bunch of flowers), candlelight dinners
etc. Viva the difference between sexes. Women are not to be idolized,
men are not to be attributed as a woman's sole source of support or pleasure --
we should accept the difference between each of us and respect and forgive each
other abundantly. Different jig-saw puzzle pieces that fit so neatly together,
emotionally and physically. If that concept won’t work for you at this moment,
time to find another tribe or another tribal-mate. Time to change what is going
on inside your head.
So how can you manage these situations? Here are some ideas from The
Wisdom of Menopause that
men and women can also apply in their journey back to good health:
1.
See life for the Petri
dish it is. Experiment and expect resistance!
2.
Remind yourself that it's
okay not to be the good girl (or boy!) who sees to everyone's needs except her
(or his) own. This goes for any pattern you're trying to break.
3.
As
you end or update some relationships, you may feel a little sad. That's okay.
Grieve and let go. By doing so, you'll be protecting your health for years to come.
4.
Laugh. Bringing humor into
a situation as it almost always eases tension.
5.
Distance yourself -- even
if it means skipping the traditional family get-together -- so you don't become
emotional or stressed by others' behavior.
Not quite ready for your next
Voyage?
Sooo
. . . You go and look in a mirror. Don’t measure up the physical perfection
that you once had or that of folks that
have not endured chronic ill health? Or, perhaps the ravages of age have left
some wrinkles and sickness as left surgical scars? Or, back from the war – male
or female – you may be missing bits and piecess?
Relax.
Mr. Right is out there for you. Or a Mr. Right-Now. For the PTSD sufferer, a
Ms. Right or a Ms Right-Now.
Go to your computer, and YouTube Mary Chapin Carpenter and listen
to the words. You deserve passionate kisses.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwp&NR=1&v=_rvt5kPlUyY
Out there, just somewhere, a set
of sincere lips are waiting for yours. What are you waiting for? Trust me, those kisses will be just as
sweet at seventy as they were when you were seventeen.
Thus we introduce a verse of the 1931
hit “As Time Goes By” . . . a verse that few have heard:
We get a trifle
weary
With Mr. Einstein's theory.
So we must get down to earth at times
Relax, relieve the tension . . .
With Mr. Einstein's theory.
So we must get down to earth at times
Relax, relieve the tension . . .
You must remember
this
A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by.
A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by.
The world will
always welcome lovers
As time goes by.
As time goes by.
[ii] © 1931 Warner
Bros. Music Corporation, ASCAP
[ii] Interested in the subject of orgasm – and
who isn’t? – what Whipple and Barry Komisaruk, a neuropsychologist at Rutgers–Newark,
share in their new book, The
Science of Orgasm (Johns
Hopkins, 2006), is nothing less than a comprehensive survey of everything
scientists know about the complex biological processes leading to orgasm. http://news.rutgers.edu/focus/issue.2007-05-29.3499861600/article.2007-05-30.5568864748
[ii]
Dr. Laino is a Psychology Professor at
Philadelphia University and Wilmington University where she teaches courses
ranging from Group Dynamics, Interpersonal Communication, Abnormal Psychology,
Lifespan Development, Human Sexuality, Human Sexuality Counseling, Theories of
Personality, and a host of other regularly taught courses every semester. http://delawaresexdoc.com
[ii] Dr Anne Moir, founder of Brainsex
Matters, is an internationally recognized and widely published authority on the
rapidly developing science of neuropsychology. She is an award-winning
documentary producer/director/writer and is the author of three international
best selling books. http://www.brainsexmatters.com
[ii] Mark Hyman, M.D. is a practicing physician,
founder of The UltraWellness Center, a four-timeNew
York Times bestselling author, and an
international leader in the field of Functional Medicine. You can follow him on Twitter, connect with him on LinkedIn, watch his videos onYouTube, become a fan on Facebook, and subscribe to his newsletter. http://drhyman.com/
[ii]
Dr,. Northrop was a practicing physician in obstetrics and
gynecology for over 25 years, Dr. Northrup has dedicated her life to inspiring
women to flourish. She encourages women to create health on all levels by tuning
into their inner wisdom. http://www.drnorthrup.com/about/
Learn more about navigating your own "change" in The Wisdom of Menopause. Dr. Northrop’s books are published by Loise
Hay’s Hay House Publishing. http://www.hayhouse.com/details.php?id=3647
